Two and a Half Boys
by xbuttercupx3
Summary: Stan, Cartman and Kyle go out on an adventure and make some new discoveries after Cartman is mysteriously transformed into a 3 year old
1. Chapter 1

Background Info: This is set in present day South Park, and the boys are all 9 years old, well except for Cartman, but that comes later lol. I don't know what the weather is like in Colorado, but I'm guessing it's really snowy around fall/winter.

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Cartman, with his head down and yellow gloved hands shoved in pockets, shuffled through the snow, occasionally tripping over a snow bank and cursed silently to himself. He hated everything about the small town he lived in, especially the wretched weather; it was only November and snow was already falling hard, stinging his face. And to add to his misery, numbness was starting to set in. He was tempted to turn around and go home, but something just wouldn't let him. He didn't know where he was going; the only thoughts racing through his mind were that he needed to get away, as far away from home as possible. These thoughts had temporarily replaced those of plots and schemes and clever manipulation techniques that he was usually occupied with. He could never forgive his mother for what she'd done today.

Cartman had put up with her disturbing and inappropriate sexual acts for years, thinking it was normal, until he'd been to his friend's houses and realized that no mother other than his has sex parties while her son is in the other room trying to study. Yes, study. Cartman was an exceptional student, good enough to rival Butters, the smartest kid in the 4th grade, even. But he had a reputation to protect and would rather be caught dead than be known as one of those "pussywimp melvins" that he tortured on a daily basis. His ongoing rapport with the teachers and Kyle made everyone laugh and he was somewhat popular off of his horrible classroom ethics.

Everyone loved to see what crazy thing Cartman would do next, and he never disappointed. Teachers however, were baffled. He had been called to Mr. Mackey's office several times to be questioned about his confusing behavior. They saw a large amount of potential in him, and wanted him to succeed, but when he turned on his 'bad' persona, teachers were forced to punish him, which made them feel guilty, as he was one of very few star students South Park Elementary had. He would simply put on his angel face, which even Kyle couldn't help but fall for sometimes, and promise that it would never happen again.

Cartman was often very bored at home; the only TV show he really liked was Terence and Phillip, and that was only on once every day. As a result, Cartman decided to pick up the books and study, hoping to cure his boredom. He soon discovered his passion for learning; reading books became adventures for him in which he could escape, and math was easy for him too. Everyone thought of him as dumb; just once he wished he could show them what he could really do without risking his reputation. It surprised him that no one realized his genius; after all, you can't be an evil mastermind without having some sort of academic prowess. The only reason he continued to study, an activity that he and his friends thought was lame, was because he never wanted to end up like his mother- alone, with no other life skills, and a bad parent.

His mother worked a late night shift as a prostitute, so she didn't get home until very late and sometimes wouldn't come home at all. He had to commend her though; when she wasn't a coked up mess, she would leave him a wide variety of cheap snack foods so that he wouldn't starve. At least she still cared for him, he would say to himself, even though sometimes he found himself longing for a home cooked meal like all his friends. This was also the reason that he was the "fattest kid in South Park", a title which he took light heartedly, because for every rude comment he encountered about his weight, Cartman could spit out an equal if not worse comeback to the offender.

Cartman was tough; he would never let anyone see him in any state of vulnerability, because he had learned that the only person he could depend on was himself. He also had a unique way of making friends, which involved highly pissing them off. He had a small group of friends that tolerated him for some reason, and they would fight constantly. Cartman served as the antagonist to Stan or Kyle's protagonists and Kenny was usually too lazy to be involved in their schemes. He would feed off their negative energy; somehow, insulting them and being insulted back felt good to him. He figured it there wasn't anything wrong with him because of that. Several times he had heard his mother and her partner of the week in the other room, lashing insults and whatnot at each other and they sounded pretty happy by the end of it. He could tell Stan and Kyle and even Kenny really hated him, but they did risk their lives for him on occasions, and he did too. At the end of the day, he knew that they were the closest thing to family that he had. So that was why he was going to Stan's house.

Kenny's house was a chaotic mess and yelling and the sounds of beer bottles and other things being thrown around would always fill the air. Cartman knew Kyle would never let him in, even if he was cold, wet and shivering. They were sworn enemies, and besides, Kyle's mom was annoying and bitchy, and he knew she hated him too. Stan was the only other option he had. Cartman thought he was an annoying hippy gay wad, but out of the three of them, Stan was definitely the most sensitive and understanding. He just hoped he would be sympathetic today, because he really didn't want to trek all the way home. Not after what his mother did. Finally he reached the familiar green house. He took a deep breath before ringing the doorbell, and immediately footsteps were approaching to let him in. Cartman took off his gloves and hat, and put on his best sad face. Stan came to the door and looked down to see the sad boy, covered in snow, looking like the picture of an abandoned puppy.

"Cartman? Dude, what the hell are you doing wandering around at this time of night?!" "Uhhh…" Cartman was at a loss for words. Stan had never shown this much concern, never towards him, anyway. "Well, come in before you freeze to death. Here, I'll get you a blanket." Cartman wandered toward the couch in the living room, in a daze, where a warm fire was burning. Suddenly he felt a pair of hands wrap a blanket around him, and he shivered from the sudden warm contact. Stan smiled a little and sat down next to Cartman. His expression soon turned to that of worry again, as he looked at the shivering boy. "Cartman, why are you here? Don't you see how bad it is outside?" "I just…ahh...forget it." Cartman was beginning to regret his decision to go to Stan's house. After all, Kyle was his best friend, and he'd probably tell him and they'd make fun of him for it. "I won't tell Kyle, I promise." Stan said softly, as if reading his mind.

Cartman stared at him in shock. "Dude, I know you too well. You're just afraid Kyle's gonna make fun of you. But if you're in some sort of trouble, you have to tell me now." Stan said. Cartman thought, _oh, what the hell. My life already sucks, and if I don't tell him he's gonna kick me out into the snow._ "Well...promise you won't laugh?" Cartman said as sadness built up behind his eyes. "I won't, I swear. Unless it's something really faggy." "Ey! Shut up hippy!" Cartman said, but Stan could sense the lack of enthusiasm that was always evident in his verbal abuse.

Cartman looked away, as rare tears were beginning to form behind his eyes. "Umm...you remember Clyde Frog, right Stan?" Stan nodded, and Cartman continued. "Well my stupid whore of a mother…" Cartman could not continue, he was losing the battle against holding back tears. Stan looked at him, feeling awkward. He'd never seen Cartman like this. He was usually so tough and would actually beat up on kids who looked like he did right now. He knew he had to comfort him, but then again, it could be one of Cartman's stupid tricks. As far as he knew, Cartman was devoid of any genuine human emotion. After all, he did grind up a kid's parents and feed them to him in a chili. But Stan's instinct told him that this was real. He put his hand on Cartman's back and rubbed slowly, as his mother had done so many times before when he came in with a scraped knee or other injured body part.

At this, Cartman began to pick up his story again. "I was just sitting in my room playing with him, and she came in and took him away!! She said she had to sell him for crack...I never saw him again! I tried to stop her…" Cartman was full on crying now; something Stan had never seen any of his friends do. Stan was at a loss for words. He was a little confused too. Why would Cartman care so much about a raggedy old stuffed animal? "I know what you're thinking," Cartman said, turning the tables and reading Stan's mind. "Why would I care about a stupid stuffed animal? Clyde Frog was my friend..he wasn't gay or stupid and didn't judge me like everyone in this whole godforsaken town." He continued to cry softly.

"Oh Cartman..." Stan was beginning to understand. He had never thought of how hard it must be to be Cartman, never realized how good his life was compared to Cartman's. That frog was probably the one thing that helped him cope with things, and now it was gone. Stan ripped on him all the time, but he didn't hate him with as much of a passion as Kyle did. He didn't support most of the things that he did, but his crazy antics were what made South Park the least bit exciting. In fact, he thought some of the things Cartman did were brilliant, (when they weren't inhumanely cruel) and sometimes wished he could be as clever.

Now the boy everyone loved to hate was breaking down, right before his very eyes. Stan reached out to hug him. He couldn't help it, the boy looked so miserable. "Everything's gonna be fine," he soothed "we'll get Clyde Frog back." Cartman buried his face in Stan's chest, tears soaking through his shirt. Stan stroked his hair and held him close. feeling strangely protective. He never wanted to let him go back to the home that he hated. He knew Cartman's mom was awful, but how could she do this to him? He held Cartman for hours, the two of them sharing the blanket, until Cartman fell asleep on his shoulder. Stan was busy thinking of ways he could make this right.


	2. Chapter 2

Cartman slept peacefully throughout the night, and had a pleasant dream. He was walking through Starks Pond, which looked like a winter wonderland. A beautiful fairy appeared in front of him. "Out of the way, hoe. I'm going fishin'!" he said, in true Cartman fashion. "Cartman…I can make your one true wish come true…" She said, hauntingly. "Really?" he said, interested. He was thinking of all the dirty things he'd do with her, but the apparently mind reading fairy snapped him out of it. "And no, I will not have sex with you! In your dreams tubby!" "Ey! I'm not fat, I'm-" he started. "Yea, yea, you're big boned, sure sure." The fairy said, examining her nails. "Son of a bitch!" he exclaimed.

"Alright, if you're really a fairy then you can read my mind and be able to tell what my one true wish is!" _Heh, heh. I'm gonna have 10 million dollars!! _He thought, thinking as hard as he could about ten million dollars, so he could make it easy for the wish granting fairy to find his one true wish. The fairy smiled as she delved into his innermost thoughts. "Alright, as you wish. Tomorrow morning when you wake up, your wish will be a reality. Your one, _true_, wish." She added, emphasizing the true. And then she was gone. _10 million dollars is mine tomorrow! This is so totally tits! _

Stan woke up to feeling something small and warm near him. "Stupid cats…" he muttered, figuring it was one of the many stray animals Shelly would bring home. Why the girl was so nice to animals, but a complete bitch to him was beyond Stan. He lifted a corner of the blanket to shoo the creature away from him, but what he saw was not an animal at all. Eric Theodore Cartman, aged 3 years old, was curled up against his stomach.

The child was small, which surprised Stan, as Cartman was such a fatass. He was now swimming in his 'old' clothes. He had the same soft, perfectly tousled brunette hair that Cartman would only let show if it was for a very special occasion, the same dimples, rosy cheeks , thick eyelashes, and eyebrows which forever looked like they were questioning something. The only thing missing (besides the fatass-ness) was his frown lines. Seeing as Cartman was either grinning or laughing evilly, or in a fit of anger all the time, he had developed prominent frown lines.

This new Cartman looked so innocent. And, Stan hated to admit it, really adorable. The kid was curled up in a little ball, as if he was cold, despite having the combined warmth of his oversized clothes, the blanket, and Stan's body heat. His eyelashes fluttered lightly in his sleep and he was sucking his thumb. Could he get any cuter? Stan stared at the child in disbelief. How could this sweet, innocent thing be the same kid that almost exterminated the Jews once? And how was this even possible?

He knew a lot of strange things happened in South Park, but never anything this strange. And when things happened, they happened for a reason and were related to the events that were going on in town. This circumstance was completely random. There was a very young Cartman nestled next to him, and he had no idea why. Stan attempted to get up to reach the phone. He just had to call Kyle; he was going to flip when he saw this angelic looking child and realized it was his mortal enemy.

Unfortunately, Stan soon learned that even though older Cartman was a very deep sleeper, young Cartman was not. As soon as Stan moved a small bit, Cartman stirred, opened his wide grey eyes and wailed. Stan held him tightly to his chest; it was more of an attempt to soften the cries than to comfort him. The kid was small enough to be held so he picked him up and started rocking him. "Shhh…be quiet, Cartman, my parents are still asleep. Geez. I thought you were annoying when you were my age…" at this, Cartman began to scream louder. "Aww. No, Cartman I didn't mean that! Quiet down…that's a good boy. I'm just gonna get the phone, ok?" The child obediently quieted down. _Wow, maybe that's all it takes to make him shut up_, Stan thought. _I gotta remember that. _

Stan was no sooner in the kitchen when he heard tiny footsteps following him. Cartman stood in the doorway, one hand in mouth and the other holding his pants up. Grey eyes stared into him; a mixture of sadness and confusion from having just woken up. "…Mommy? Don't leave me Mommy!" Stan sat down, shocked. _This kid thinks I'm his mother? Oh, poor Cartman. His mom was a hermaphrodite, after all._ He smiled and pulled the kid into his lap. "No Cartman, I'm not leaving you, I promise. Call me Stan, ok? And I guess we better go find you some decent clothes. You might get lost in those ones!"

He tickled the boy under his chin, just to put a smile on his face. Cartman turned out to be incredibly ticklish, and was laughing crazily and running around the room, apparently hyper. _Whoa_, thought Stan. _Cartman's weakness is tickling? I better be writing these down._ And with that he grabbed a notepad and began noting things he could take advantage of later. Cartman took this as an opportunity to find the perfect hiding spot.

"Alright Cartman, where are you? I'm serious, kid, those clothes are a safety hazard." After about ten minutes of intense searching, Stan began to panic. _Oh shit oh shit oh shit! I lost Cartman! Huh, I wonder how many people get to say that. _Then it came to him. _I'll call Kyle! He's got Ike; he must be good with kids. How hard could it be for Kyle to outsmart this kid when he's got a genius for a little brother? _Stan ran to the abandoned phone and speed dialed Kyle's house. He prayed Kyle would pick up, and not his bitch of a mother. As luck would have it, a groggy Kyle answered the phone. "Whaaa…Stan, it's 6 in the morning. On Saturday. Are you nuts!?" Kyle muttered. "Listen, I need you to haul ass over to my house right away! I…umm…I lost this kid I was babysitting for and if I don't find him his parents won't pay me! I need your help dude!" Stan rambled.

"I'm on my way!!" A click on the line told him that Kyle was probably speeding down his street on his Big Wheel (or whatever they're called) already. Stan smiled to himself; he hated it as much as the next guy when stereotypes were proven true, but Kyle didn't stand a chance when money was mentioned. Stan took the waiting period as an opportunity to take a small nap; he was exhausted. But unfortunately, Kyle's speediness interrupted his sweet union with the pillow. Stan jumped up and answered the door. "Kyle! Thank God you came; I just can't seem to find this kid anywhere!" _Maybe I'll just leave out the part about how the kid is his sworn enemy. _Kyle started whistling, as if beckoning a dog. "Come out, come out wherever you are!" Sparky ran to the living room immediately. Stan looked at him strangely. "Dude, he's a kid, not a dog." "Well do you have any better ideas? You're the one who lost him!" Kyle retorted. "Wait, I think I see him," said Stan. A tuft of brown hair retreated further under the sofa at these words. "I've got cheesy poofs…" Stan said sing songingly, even though he had none.

Like lightning, Cartman ran out from under his hiding place. "Cheesypoofscheesypoofscheesypoofscheesypoofscheesypoofs….!" he exclaimed, while jumping on the sofa. Kyle was trying to get a good look at the boy, but only ended up making himself dizzy as he tried to follow Cartman's rapid movements to random parts of the living room. Stan broke the news to him. "Sorry Car-um, kid, that was a lie. You can't be having cheesy poofs this early in the day, look how hyper you are _without_ sugar!" Cartman was very disappointed. "You lied! I want cheesy poofs!" "No can do, kid." "But _Steeehn_, if I don't have cheesy poofs I'll have to eat something else that's really lame and then I won't be _cooo-oool_!!!" Cartman began one of his infamous tantrums. "You know," Kyle started, "This kid reminds me of someone…"

Uh oh, what gave it away? =) tune in soon to find out! By the way, I guess I'm kind of contradicting myself because in chapter one I made it clear that Cartman's mom isn't around much, so his little "_but meeem!"_ fits wouldn't be very relevant. Well, for those of you who picked up on that, let's just pretend that Cartman's mom is usually home on weekends, and that's when she spoils him! Yay!


	3. Chapter 3

"Cartman!" Kyle said triumphantly

Stan tried to explain. "It's a funny story actually. See, he was at my house and-"

"That's who this kid reminds me of!" Kyle cut him off. "Goddamn I hate him. Lately it seems like he'll do any fucking thing to piss me off!"

"Hey, Cartman is my last-" a small voice which was quickly muffled by Stan's hand said. Stan didn't want Kyle to find out just yet. He figured it would be amusing to watch him dote and fuss over the boy he hated.

"How do you know Cartman?" Kyle questioned. Cartman, confused, replied. "I was gonna say that my last name is-"

"C-Carter! His last name is um, Carter." Stan said quickly.

"Oh really," Kyle said, looking at Stan suspiciously. "And do you have a first name?"

"'Course I do! It's Er-"

"Aaron!" Stan interrupted. He wanted to fool Kyle for as long as he could.

Kyle looked confused. "His name is…Aaron Carter?"

"Yea, I know. Isn't it weird?" Stan said, feeling proud of himself. He looked over at Cartman to see if he would retort, but luckily the child had fallen asleep. While he was standing up on the couch. _So weird, _thought Stan. As for his sudden name change, Stan figured it would be easy to convince him that his name was Aaron Carter. 3 year olds were the most gullible creatures on earth, after all.

"Hey, I was gonna go look in my attic for some old baby clothes for Aaron, wanna help?"

"Sure dude," said Kyle.

"And, could you carry him? My arms are kinda tired." Stan added slyly. This was going to be fun.

Kyle went over to the couch and scooped up a sleeping Cartman. Once again, his light sleeping-ness was demonstrated. He began to whimper, not sensing the familiar presence of Stan.

"I want Stan!" he wailed.

Kyle was not taken aback in the least. "Ok, you can have Stan. But he was the one who didn't let you have cheesy poofs, remember?" he grinned at Stan evilly.

"Aw dude, don't pit him against me!"

"Ey that's right! Screw you Stan, I'm going to Kyle!"

Stan grinned at the absurdity of the statement. Any other day, Cartman would have preferred anyone else besides Kyle.

Kyle smiled as a now wide awake Cartman stuck his tongue out at Stan and leapt into Kyle's arms. "Oh you're such a cutie!" he cooed.

Stan cringed. Kyle was such a sucker for little kids, even though he basically was one himself.

In the attic, Stan dug around in boxes looking for something suitable while Kyle played with Cartman nearby, but couldn't find anything. He then had a brilliant idea.

"Of course! Why didn't I think of it earlier? Kyle, can we go to your house and borrow some of Ike's clothes? They're the same age, right?"

"Sure, I guess my mom wouldn't mind." Kyle said, as he made Cartman giggle hysterically with a sock puppet he found.

Kyle rang his doorbell and was greeted by Ike, who was running around in circles and yelling something about a cookie monster. Cartman jumped out of Kyle's arms and ran off to play with Ike. Stan instantly became worried. What if Cartman said something offensive about Jews? As far as he knew, Cartman was still his old self despite the age change.

"Dude I think we should follow them," Stan said. "Aaron's not very, um, good with other children."

They followed the two toddlers into the playroom, where, much to Stan's surprise, they were peacefully playing with some trucks.

"Aw, dude they're just playing, he seems like a nice kid to me. Let's go find him something to wear." Kyle said, and the two nine year olds went upstairs.

Upstairs, Kyle rummaged through Ike's drawer until he found a cute (clean) pair of overalls and a shirt.

"Oh he'll look so adorable in these!" Kyle gushed. Stan rolled his eyes at his friend's obliviousness to how gay he sounded sometimes.

Suddenly, something caught Stan's ear from downstairs.

"What's your name anyway?" Ike asked.

"My name's Eric Cartman you stupid Canadian! Why the hell am I in Kyle's Jew house anyway?!" Stan winced. Kyle slowly turned around to face him with a murderous look.

"Dude. What the fuck?!?" Kyle said. Stan was already pinching the bridge of his nose.

He figured this sort of thing would happen, but goddamit why so soon? Cartman must have been regaining "consciousness" of his old self. He wasn't just a sweet little toddler anymore that was for sure.

"Kyle, I'll explain it to you later. Right now we have to do some damage control."

The two quickly raced downstairs in time to pull the toddlers apart, as they were now engaged in quite a fight. Stan hoisted Cartman over his shoulder and they made for upstairs.

"Ey! I wasn't finished with him!! And since when did you get strong enough to lift my super buff self off the ground?"

Kyle grabbed Cartman from Stan and looked deep into his eyes.

"Dude, is that really you? What the hell happened to you?!"

Cartman looked at both of them, confused.

"Geez, I knew you guys were stupid, but I didn't think you were as retarded as Butters. It's me, Cartman! Nothing happened to me! Now let me go, you little wussy pricks. I'm gonna go home and watch Terence and Philip. Huh, when did my pants get so big?" Cartman wondered.

"Stan you idiot!!! Why didn't you tell me!? For god's sakes I was actually being NICE to him!!! I'll never live this down." Kyle shrieked.

"Kyle, calm the fuck down! You're just gonna confuse him even more! He obviously doesn't know what's going on!"

"Well NEWSFLASH, smarts! Neither do I!!!"

Cartman was looking at the both of them as if it was a ping pong match, and was quite amused by the whole thing.

"Ooh, lover's quarrel? He said, and laughed at his own joke.

Stan took a deep breath. "Cartman…something did happen. Don't you think it's a little strange that your clothes are suddenly way too big for you?"

"No, it just means I lost a ton of weight over night, asshole. My muscles should be coming in soon."

"And have you heard your voice lately?" Stan continued.

Cartman was beginning to get a wide eyed, freaked out look.

"W-well, maybe I'm just going through puberty faster than you guys! Ha-ha, don't be jealous, it'll happen for you someday too!" Cartman said, looking satisfied.

"Oh, it's quite the opposite," Stan muttered.

"Maybe this will show you." Kyle said, as he held Cartman up in front of a mirror.

Cartman stared at himself in shock. He touched his face, his hair, looked at his tiny hands. Then he looked down his pants and let out a blood curdling scream. The scream emanated (AN: idk if this is the right word! Lol it sounds right, doesn't it?) throughout the town. A bunch of birds flew out of some trees, which made Jimbo and Ned quite happy.

"NOOOO! MY PUBES!!!!!! MY PRECIOUS PUBES!!!!!! THEY'RE GOOOOONE!!!!!!!!"

**Hahaha =) R&R please!! Any ideas for the story are appreciated too =)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Ok this isn't the best chapter, but I'm having a serious writer's block. I'm trying to come up with a brilliant plot where they find and rescue Clyde Frog, **

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Stan and Kyle looked at each other, confused, and then at Cartman who was still grieving over his pubes.

"Cartman…don't you see what happened? You're 3 years old!" Stan exclaimed.

"I know dude, it fucking sucks!!!! I spent so many years growing those!!"

Stan returned to pinching the bridge of his nose. "Those weren't your pubes, stupid. They were Scott Tenorman's."

"Heh, whatever, you guys are just jealous."

"How did this happen?" Kyle said from his corner of the room, with his head in his hands. They both turned to look at him.

"Well Kahl, I have no idea. All I know is now I'm a stupid little kid and it sucks ass. I can't reach anything anymore!" Cartman said angrily, as he was trying to jump up onto the bed.

Kyle grinned and took pity on him, lifting him up and setting him on the bed next to him.

"I swear, if you weren't so goddamn cute I'd leave you out on the streets. That would solve the Cartman problem for sure!"

"I hate you Kahl!!!! I wish I was all beefcake again so I could KICK YOUR ASS!!!!!"

It was the funniest thing, to see Cartman throwing one of his regular fits in the form of a three year old. It even made him somewhat cuter.

Kyle couldn't resist, and pulled him onto his lap and started fussing over him.

"Cartman, why can't you stay like this forever? I wouldn't even care if you were an asshole, at least you'd be adorable."

"Aw, weak, dude! LAME! LAAAME!!!"

"Ok, ok you guys, enough PDA. We have to figure out how Cartman got this way, and how to change him back. This is gonna be the weirdest adventure ever!" Stan said.

Cartman glared at Kyle, who was now playing with his hair. Kyle just smiled widely and pinched his cheek.

"Cartman, do you remember anything unusual from the night before, remember when you were at my house and-"

"EY!!! I don't wanna talk about that!" Cartman yelled, or more like squeaked.

Stan sighed. Of course Cartman would be embarrassed to talk about what happened the night before, especially in front of Kyle.

"Cartman, it's ok. No one's gonna judge you. And the sooner you tell us what happened, the sooner we can find Clyde frog." Stan reassured.

"What happened to Clyde Frog?" Kyle questioned as he fastened the buttons on Cartman's overalls. Kyle had been dressing him without Cartman even noticing.

"Ugh, my stupid skank mom sold him for crack money. So then I came to Stan's house for some reason, and I fell asleep on the couch and had this weird dream. And the next thing I knew, I was this!" Cartman explained.

"Awww, poor baby." Kyle cooed, as he brushed Cartman's disheveled hair, and Cartman leaned back into Kyle's lap, seeming to enjoy the attention he was getting from his enemy.

"Wait," Stan said, onto something. "What was this dream about? Remember all the shit that went down the last time you had a weird dream?"

All three of them had a silent, contemplative moment as they looked back on the time when visitors had come and stuck a satellite up Cartman's ass.

"I guess you're right. Well this dream was totally gay. There was this really hot fairy lady who said she could grant my one true wish. And she was also a mind reader! So I told her to read my mind and grant my one true wish. And I though as hard as I could about ten million dollars, but the stupid bitch must have screwed up and made me a little kid instead!"

"Ah, Cartman? You ever think that maybe your one true wish was to be a little kid again, and not to have 10 million dollars?" Stan said.

"That's impossible, Stan. Cuz I don't want to be a goddamn kid again!!! Honestly, where did she get that crap from?"

Stan figured he would leave Cartman to figure it out himself that it was his unconscious thoughts and wishes of being a kid again that caused this whole mess.

Despite what everyone saw, Cartman didn't have a very good upbringing. The other children envied how much freedom he had, how there were no boundaries and how his mother was practically his slave and let him get away with everything. They didn't see the dark side of this, but it wasn't expected of children their age to understand. Not having a father had a greater effect on Cartman than people thought. No one to play catch with, no one to teach him anything about being a man. These things he had to learn for himself and his mother's behavior didn't help much. Liane tried to be a good mother, but it was obvious she knew nothing about raising a child and simply wasn't ready to be a parent, so she spoilt him because it was the easy way. She knew her son secretly longed for a father, so she began sleeping with every man who paid her any attention in hopes that they would stay and complete their family. Unfortunately this only gained her a reputation as a whore, which added to the list of things kids ripped on Cartman for. On top of that, he was fat and kids could be brutal about any physical difference they saw in their peers. So he dealt with it the way he knew best, which was by lashing out and rebelling. Cartman was simply a product of his environment. His unconscious wish of starting over his childhood the right way had finally manifested itself.

"Ok, so what's our plan? Are we rescuing Clyde Frog or fixing Cartman first?" Kyle asked.

"Ooh Clyde Frog, Clyde Frog!!! Pleeeeease?" Cartman begged while jumping up and down on Kyle's lap.

"Ow, dude, cut it out, you're gonna break my balls!!!" Kyle yelled, which of course made Cartman jump up and down harder.

"Alright, fine. We'll look for Clyde Frog first. But only cuz you're just so adoooorable!!" Stan said, grinning wickedly and tickling Cartman, who squealed and ran under the bed, much to the relief of Kyle.

10 minutes later, they were all ready to set out on their adventure. The problem was, they had no idea whatsoever where to go.

"So Cartman, you said your mom sold him for crack money?" Stan asked.

"Uh huh," said Cartman, who was contentedly licking a lollipop.

"Does anyone have any ideas on how we're gonna get him back from someone we don't even know?" Stan asked again.

Cartman became hysterical. "Waaaaah!!!!! Now I'll never see Clyde Frog again!!!!!" he wailed.

"Shhh, don't worry, we'll get him back. Everything will be alright...just leave it to us. God, Stan, are you TRYING to make him upset?!" Kyle soothed, glaring at Stan.

Stan looked helpless. If the situation hadn't been so serious, he would have laughed. How often did Kyle side with Cartman over his super best friend?

"Well I'm just saying! He could be anywhere by now, our only hope is to go talk to Mrs. Cartman."

"Poor Clyde Frog…he's probably lost somewhere, all alone." Cartman said tearfully, pondering the fate of his favorite inanimate friend. He buried his face in Kyle's jacket and sobbed.

Kyle patted his back and whispered something reassuring into his ear.

"Ugh, come on; let's go before Stan says anything else." Kyle said, still glaring at Stan.

And they were out the door, on their way to the Cartman's house. Cartman had insisted on walking, but pretty soon he realized it was a bad idea.

"Alright, we should be pretty close by now-hey, where's Cartman?" Stan said.

They both looked back to see that Cartman was now sitting down in the middle of the road, and ran toward him.

"Cartman what the hell are you doing?!" they both yelled.

"Uhhh…so…tired…can't go on…"

"I told you that was a bad idea." Stan said, and lifted him up.

"Dude, how are we gonna tell Cartman's mom about what happened to him?" asked Kyle.

"Uh oh. Um, well maybe she won't notice." Stan replied.

"Psh, yea right. She's probably bawling her eyes out right now." Cartman said.

As they neared the house, they did hear crying, but upon closer inspection, they found it wasn't from sadness.

"Aw, sick dude! Goddamn your mom sucks Cartman." Kyle yelled, after looking into the window.

"Your mom sucks more!" Cartman retorted, and began to break into his infamous "Kyle's Mom is a Big Fat Bitch" song.

"Weeellll…."

"Don't do it Cartman!"

"Weeeeeeelll….."

"I'm warning you!"

"Alright, alright fine."

Kyle breathed a sigh of relief, only to have Cartman run out of nowhere and begin singing and dancing. People stopped to watch him and began cheering and clapping.

"You're such an asshole!" Kyle yelled, and began chasing him, which was hard because toddlers can be surprisingly fast.

"Guys! Guys!!! I have an idea!" Stan said. "Let's go to Chef! He always knows what to do."

They raced off to Chef's house, dragging Cartman behind them.


	5. Chapter 5

Heey everyone, I am SO sorry I haven't updated in hmm well almost a year lol. I've just been soo crazy busy with school I haven't had a free second. I promise I'll get a new chapter up soon, now that summer's here I have lots more free time so look forward to that! =)


	6. Chapter 6

**TaDa! Here's chapter 5 for all you amazing readers who were so patient with me. Also, if there are any Kenny fans, I'm sorry there's really no mention of him, but Kenny is kind of hard to work into a scene and he's not really one of my favsies lol. **

The trio raced along, Cartman contentedly humming the "Kyle's Mom" song and being carried by Stan. Once they got to Chef's door, Kyle had a thought.

"Hey, have you guys seen Kenny lately?"

Stan thought for a moment. "Nah, dude. I think he died this morning playing by the railroad tracks."

"Oh, damn. Well I guess this is it." Said Kyle as he rang the doorbell. A few moments later, the boys were greeted by Chef wearing nothing but a towel with his bimbo of the week clinging to him, as was usual for him on weekends.

"Well hello children! Uh, now's not really a good time so run along now!"

"But Chef-"

"I said run along now!" the three boys sulked away. "And don't do drugs!" Chef called after them before slamming the door.

"Well, so much for that idea." Said Kyle. They began to walk into town, hoping to find some answers there. Cartman had fallen asleep and was now drooling on Stan's shoulder.

"Aw, sick dude!" Stan whined. "Hey, he's just a baby. That's what they do. Here, let me take him." Kyle said, holding out his arms.

"Kyle, I bet you'd like nothing more than to adopt Cartman and keep him forever. Why are we even bothering trying to get him fixed? This is the nicest you guys have ever been to each other and everyone will like him better this way."

"Yea, I guess I do kinda adore the little dude. I keep trying to tell myself that he's Cartman, vile, disgusting, racist, manipulative Cartman-but he just looks so innocent and helpless. I guess we should enjoy it while it lasts, huh?"

They both nodded. Soon they were approached by Butters who was on his way to Starks Pond.

"Stan! Kyle! Hey, wait up!"

The two boys rolled their eyes, but turned around. They figured they could use all the help they could get at this point, and Butters was always up for helping them out.

"Who's this little guy?" Butters cooed appreciatively, pinching one of Cartman's cheeks, which woke him immediately.

"Knock it off, Butters, it's me Cartman." He growled.

Butters backed away in shock. The boy who had always terrorized him was now in a completely vulnerable state. He could get some major payback. Butters grinned an uncharacteristically demonic grin. "Say, fellas', why don't you uh, give him to me? I'll take care of him for you." Stan was more than happy to oblige.

"Here, take him," he said, taking Cartman out of Kyle's arms and shoving him at Butters. But Kyle could see right through Butters' intentions.

"Oh, no you don't Butters. Look, I know Cartman was always a dick to you, but right now he really needs our help. So either come with us or get lost." At this, Cartman put on his most angelic face.

"Well uh alright then. Long as he doesn't try nothin'."

"Great," said Stan. "But now what do we do?"

None of them had noticed that Cartman had slid out of Butters' grip and was running towards a playground, which was located across from a very busy intersection. They were soon made aware of his disappearance by his yells from across the street.

"EY! GUYS! COME ON, LET'S GO PLAY ON THE KICKASS PLAYGROUND!"

"BUTTERS!" Stan and Kyle yelled.

"Well I'm sorry! The little bastard is sneaky, he is."

"God Butters, never have kids." Kyle yelled as the 3 boys ran across the street.

Once they got there, Cartman was already having the time of his life, running around and trying out every appliance there was on the playground. Stan, Kyle and Butters just sat back and watched. What could be the harm in letting him have a little fun? Maybe when he transformed back into a 9 year old he'd be a little better natured because of it. Finally, Cartman was exhausted, as was evidenced when he fell asleep on the swing. Stan went over to wake him.

"Hey little man, wake up. We gotta go."

"Eh, I want my mommy." Cartman whined.

The 3 older boys shrugged. Stan began to think. Maybe bringing him to his mother was a good idea. At least she'd have some idea where Clyde Frog went, and maybe the two of them could have some kind of reconciliation. And after all, it was Cartman's one true wish to relive his childhood, and his mother certainly had to play a role in that.

"Dude I think we should let him go see his mom. She can tell us where Clyde Frog went."

"Yea I guess you're right. Cartman, are you sure there's not gonna be some random naked dude there?" Kyle said.

Being Cartman's friends, the 3 of them often came to Cartman's house a lot. Unfortunately for them, even the arrival of 3 nine year old boys didn't stop Liane from her sexcapades, and they had often walked into inappropriate situations like that many times.

Cartman shrugged like it was nothing. "Sunday mornings from 8-10 is Breakfast Nooky, then from 3-5 is Afternoon Delight." He said, reciting his mother's schedule which he'd found on some flyer blowing around town one day.

"Alright, then. It's 11 now, so let's go!" said Butters, and they all headed towards Cartman's house.

Once they got to Cartman's house, he took the liberty of ringing his own doorbell, and once the door opened, ran inside and embraced his mother's knee.

"MEEEM!"

Liane looked down, slightly confused, but then her expression brightened up.

"Oh hello there! You must be mine and Richard's boy! I don't think I remember giving birth to you, but then again we were smoking some really good Hash that day. Or was it crack…?" Liane began to contemplate. Stan, Kyle and Butters each looked at each other and mentally facepalmed. Liane was mistaking him for another lovechild of hers?

Cartman giggled at the silly antics of his mother. "No, you dumb bitch, it's me, Eric!"

Liane's eyes then overflowed with tears and she reached down to hug Cartman.

"Poopsikins! I thought I'd never see you again!"

The boys took this as their cue to leave, and quietly snuck away, leaving Cartman with his mother and hoping that they'd both get the clue.

**Sorry for the crappiness of this chapter, again, major writers block =/. R&R please! **


	7. Chapter 7

I KNOW I KNOW I really suck at this whole updating thing! :( I'm sorryyyyyy! I hope you guys like this chapter though!

Finally, Cartman lifted his head and looked his mother straight in the eyes.

"So, Mom…you really did notice I was gone? And you missed me?"

Liane looked into the eyes of her newly young, bright eyed, uncorrupted little boy. She remembered when he use to be this innocent. She remembered the days of his carefree childhood, when he would look up at her while she was tucking him in before she went to work at night with those same expressive eyes. It was almost as if he was probing her very soul, making certain that she would never leave him. In the years to come, whenever Liane made a mistake with a man or was out at night on the job and knew that she was probably neglecting her son, she'd remember that look and would immediately feel guilty for letting Eric down. But then she'd remember the reason she was stuck doing these terrible things and would push through it. It was all for Eric. Illogical as it seemed, every man she had sex with, every casual hook up, every dollar she got at her job as a prostitute was for Eric. How she hated her life, and that things had to be this way! She hated the judgement she got, the stares from other adults who thought she was simply a lazy whore who brought her fate upon herself by sleeping around. She hated overhearing whispered conversations about her son and how she'd failed him as a parent. She hated hearing that everyone thought that it was her fault that Eric turned out the way he did. She hated it because it was true.

Getting pregnant at 19 was certainly not the plan. Growing up, Liane had been extremely sheltered and her parents were always overly protective of her, especially when she reached the age where her beauty became especially apparent. Therefore, when her father told her that she was not allowed to go to college and was instead expected to stay home take over the family bakery, she decided to run away. It reached a point where it was simply too much for her; she had to get out. So, very early one quiet October morning, Liane packed her bags and simply walked out the gates of her family's home, not once looking back. She walked for miles with no destination, until she decided to stop at a gas station and purchase a map. Sitting down at a picnic table, she unfolded the map and studied it. It was a map of the United States, she wasn't quite sure why she'd bought it, but then she wasn't quite sure of anything anymore. Her eyes were immediately drawn to the familiar shape of Nebraska, but she quickly looked away. She would never be able to return home. Back home, a runaway was considered the worst disgrace one could bring upon their family. Liane shut her eyes tight, lifted a finger, and placed it on the map. Opening her eyes, she found that her finger had landed on Colorado, and more specifically, a town called South Park. Liane smiled. This would be her new home.

Bleary eyed, exhausted, and confused, she lifted herself from the bench and stood on the side of the road with her thumb up. After a few minutes, a middle aged man stopped for her, telling her he'd take her anywhere she needed to go. Liane was somewhat put off by the man's sleaziness; he would reach over from time to time and caress her knee, slowly moving up to her thigh, until she shifted uncomfortably and he stopped. Finally, after hours of driving, the man pulled over on the side of the road for no apparent reason. He turned to her, put out the cigarette he'd been smoking, and said "So, you didn't expect me to drive you halfway 'cross the country without no form of payment, did ya?" A sinking feeling, the kind of feeling where you know you're in trouble but there's no way out, overcame Liane. The man eyed her up and down. "You know, I ain't had relations in a mighty long time. You're just the type of pretty young thing that'd make it all better." Liane gulped. On one hand, she knew she could probably open the passenger door and make a run for it, and he wouldn't dare chase her because they were pulled over on a busy highway and someone was bound to notice. However, she just didn't feel like going to all that effort. She was tired, so tired, and it might be days before she could find someone to drive her around willingly again. So she simply allowed him to take her virginity. Secretly she was happy for this fact. Her virginity was the last mark of innocence that she had, and she was glad to be rid of it. Her new life in South Park would certainly not be innocent.

Eventually the man brought her to South Park, where she checked into a hotel using the money she'd saved up from over the years. Over the next few days, she looked for a job. At first she acquired a waitressing position but soon discovered that it was a much harder job than she would have liked. She just couldn't see herself being a waitress, or a receptionist, or any other job not requiring college education, for the rest of her life. Going to college was out of the question; she certainly could not pay for it. Many nights she would feel an emptiness, one that wasn't from hunger. She kept thinking about her encounter with the man in the car, how the pleasure of the act seemed to fill the void that was left by her leaving her childhood home for a strange unfamiliar place. She found herself wanting more, and that was how she became a prostitute. Not only did it cover her living expenses, it also filled the many voids in her life. She became addicted to sex, and drugs and alcohol soon followed. She was so passionate that she would often even participate in German scheisse videos and would sometimes be featured on the covers of porn magazines. Nothing could fill the void enough.

Sometime in January, Liane became pregnant due to an instance at the South Park Drunken Barn Dance. Though she was ashamed of this fact, Liane just didn't care enough to find out who the father was. Thus began the long cycle of neglect to her son. Liane couldn't sort through every single man she'd ever slept with, even if it meant her son would never have a father. So she simply raised the child on her on, with her meager salary. Eric didn't have the best childhood, and she was well aware of this fact. She couldn't seem to find a proper way to communicate with him. Either she was extremely sweet and submissive to his demands, or she completely ignored him. This all was because she was a child herself when she had him. When Eric was young, he use to believe she could do anything, that she was some kind of superhero because she was the only adult figure in his life, and she treated him more like a friend than a mother. Over the years however, his faith in her dwindled as he discovered that he would always come second to her satisfying her sexual appetite.

Now Liane was looking down at the face of a child who hadn't been corrupted by years of his mother performing perverse sexual acts in his home, of having no real adult to look up to, of having to survive on cheap junk food, of having to grow up on his own. She smiled sadly at him. "Of course I noticed, poopsikins! You're all I have in the world. I treated you horribly, made you miss out on your childhood…there's no way I could ever expect you to forgive me."

"Of course I forgive you, Mom! In case you haven't noticed, you're all I have in the world too! And I understand that you do what you have to do sometimes…"

"No, Eric. Not anymore. From now on, I promise to change my ways. I know we have a difficult life, and I know I've certainly got no one to blame but myself,but from this day onward, I am going to be the best mother I can be to you. You deserve it more than anyone I know. It just took a crazy incident like this to make me realize that I'm hurting you. I wish I'd realized it sooner. I'm quitting my job at the brothel and getting back that old waitressing job."

Cartman squealed in delight. "You really mean it, Ma? Hey, maybe you can become an artist like you always wanted!"

Liane smiled, a warmness filling her heart, upon hearing how thoughtful her son was, how much he still cared for and believed in her. She swore she would never sleep around and neglect her son again. She had no desire for it anymore, no more empty void. For the void had been filled by the kindness and love of her son.

After talking things out for a few hours, Liane and Cartman met up with Stan's family. They decided that, while Liane worked on saving up enough money to go to art school so she could find a proper job and raise her son the right way, Cartman would live with the Marsh's. Of course this would mean he might not live at home for a very long time, but Cartman was perfectly content with that. This way, Cartman could have the childhood he always wanted. And although Stan was initially resistant to the idea of having any toddler, much less a diabolical toddler like Cartman, running around his house, he soon came around to the idea once he realized how fun it was to have a little brother. And Wendy absolutely adored little Cartman, which was a plus. Stan, Kyle and Kenny took Cartman with them wherever they went, he would even come to school with them. On the first day back to school after the adventure, the four of them were waiting at the bus stop.

"Hey Cartman…" Kyle said.

"What, Jewface?"

"Kick the baby!"

"NO DON'T KICK THE GODDAMN BABY AHHHHH!" Cartman shrieked, as he went flying through the air.

The 3 boys shared a laugh as they watched Cartman land on the other side of the road.

"You know, I think this is the weirdest adventure we've ever had. Do you guys think it was all worth it?" Stan asked.

"Oh yea, dude. I mean Cartman's too little to cause any major trouble so we don't have to worry about him doing anything stupid. Plus, now he can't rip on us as much because he knows we could totally beat him up." Kenny said, muffled through his hood.

"That's true. Ah, but now we can't make fun of him because he's not fat, he's not stupid, and his mom's not a whore anymore." Kyle said.

The three boys shrugged at each other, and then Kyle looked just in time to see Cartman pummeling towards him at full force.

Kyle laughed at the sight; there was no way a three year old could tackle him to the ground! However, he was soon proven wrong as Cartman rammed into him and knocked him over. The two started wrestling, until the bus came and Ms. Crabtree screeched at them to sit down and shut up. Craig, who was sitting across from the boys, looked at Cartman with his usual vapid expression. "Who's that? he asked.

"Oh, just some kid we found on the side of the road." Stan said, wanting to surprise everyone in class.

"You guys can go to jail for that. I'm telling."

"Craig I will grind your parents up and feed them to you if you do that. Now shut up you assholes I'm trying to take a nap."

Craig sat there with a shocked expression, and then ran to the front of the bus, frightened.

Once they got to school, the girls could not keep their hands off of Cartman. At recess the girls squealed over him, and used him to play house. Cartman grinned evilly over at the guys, who were sitting on the playground, watching him in awe.

"This is the closest he'll ever get to a girl." said Kenny. "And there's no way he's getting any action. Who would do that kinda stuff with a baby?"

"You're right," said Kyle "Let him enjoy it while he can. Once he gets back to his old self they're not gonna want to be anywhere near him."

"Yea. And call me crazy but I think we can use him to our advantage. He's still the same manipulative, evil genius he use to be, but now he's a cute little kid. Who would ever suspect anyone like that?"

They agreed, and watched as Cartman looked up the skirts of several of the girls on the jungle gym without them noticing. It was going to be a great year.


	8. The End!

This is the end! I forgot to put that on the last chapter, but I wanted to end it on a happy note :)


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